2100 NIGHTS ALONE

I have lived through more than 2100 nights alone 

The first 3 years are easy

They kind of pass with the same ideas you had before

It won't be long till you meet someone, that's how it works

When will I meet someone?

Do I need to even meet someone?....this fades like a distant train retreating. 

It kind of wears itself down as a myth exhausted. 

Then after those years are gone, something starts to change inside

almost like a maturing, a deepening awareness of oneself

Ones being starts to mutate into a deep rhythmical dance with nature.  

When you lay night after night alone the only other heartbeat

is the Earth

She holds you in her Mumma arms and you start to feel 

her tune

to move in terra synchronisation.  

The night sky becomes a friend in ways you never imagined once. 

Like a poetic trustworthy blanket, it tucks you in and greets you with 

a peaceful tenderness.
A spontaneous loving caress at midnight from a lover. 

I used to fear the dark once, fear nights alone. 

How miraculous that it has all gone and I've come home. 

Sometimes you cry, sometimes you laugh into the cushions. 

Sometimes you lay awake worrying and turn to the empty side of the bed

You ache for a proper hug or just a shoulder. 

But mainly you are still after the first 3 years because all that drama has gone. 

It's you, here, and you're not alone like you thought. 

You lean into the timeless void of the soundless sounds. 

That, I have found, is a true shoulder you can depend on. 

You start to trust yourself. 

There have been exceptions. Nights snuggled up to a dear friend or cat

'No room at the Inn, we'll all have to bunk together' kind's of affairs

'I drank too much can I stay over?' nights

Then there's the stolen moments with the one you thought you'd be with but weren't.

Bittersweet moments like fragrant chocolate drops that dissolve too quickly on the tongue.

It's funny sleeping now next to someone

I am aware of the other heartbeat between me and the thundering earth mantra song. 

I surrender into this new percussion section in my nightly dive into velveteen blackness. 

It makes me smile as I fall into the deepness... it's a welcome addition

Not necessary, just welcome.  

I'm glad that I found solace alone in these days. 

That I have found that I am quite a nice person to wake up to. 

And a peaceful one to rest with. 

And when these nights alone end, which they will sure enough.  

I will melt into my mates heartbeat as we move round 
the star monks late night hum of the earth turning. 

Nestle into his soft warm chest and perfume like a new born.

Two moving satellites entwined. 

Whilst the molten night tucks us into his sugilite black veil

and kisses our foreheads with sleep.  

And I will sometimes smile and remember when I used to get him all to myself

for those 2100 nights

 X