THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE ROOM

When you are discontent, you always want more, more more.

Your desire can never be satisfied.

But when you practise contentment, you can say to yourself,
 ‘Oh yes – I already have everything that I really need.’

Dalai Lama

Have you noticed how you or others can get when you NEED something from someone or something and you are just not getting it??

I used to do some great rumple stiltskin impressions in my former life! Tearing my hair out, dancing around enraged and feeling… entitled!

Yipes! Give me a break!

Well life WAS kind to me and it gave me a big break. A breakdown of all that perceived entitlement!

I’m entitled to be here right now until I’m not, I don’t get the say over that one. Anything else outside of that is pretty much amazing. I mean the fact that even one other person on this planet loves me and is aware enough of it to share that with me... that’s a miracle!

Yes! We do all love each other and we don’t know it! But this kind of expression of love, it’s not a given…it’s a gift every time it happens!

What more could I need than what I have, what’s happening right now?

It will always be the right thing I need.

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The other kind of need is the hidden epidemic that can be tucked behind all sorts of apparently lovely motivations. And the unveiling of that may well bring the crescendo in your dark night.

One of the hardest hidden needs can lay dormant under that old horror story favourite... toxic relationships.

I spent many years opening doorways to my ‘interior temple’ without checking to see if this person was going to honour that space and take their muddy boots off first.

You let them in, show them around and ask them if they would like some tea. Next thing you know, the temple is trashed and they’ve run off with your best silver! Muddy footprints left behind to scrub off for days, months, years sometimes…. Do you know that feeling?

What I’ve come to see is that this kind of trust is possibly not in accordance with nature. In my experience, humans are the most unreliable species on the planet! Even ‘dangerous’ creatures such as sharks and serpents have more rhyme and reason their behaviour than us!

So how do we discern or disentangle from these situations without hardening the heart OR getting back to being a ‘somebody’ we need to defend?
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Last year  I had an epiphany in a business meeting situation. Without too much detail, I was the one in the room lowest down the career ladder and dealing with those half way up and at the top.

It was getting difficult to decide who needed what and at one point the dynamic was becoming very much in favour of me just taking what I could get as this was such a fantastic ‘opportunity’ for me. (What is a real opportunity? That’s a whole other chapter! )

I was the least ‘powerful’ person in the room and what I was being offered just didn’t feel good inside. I suddenly knew I didn’t want it, any of it, not even a good ‘reputation’.

 If it wasn't honest for me… what did it actually have to do with me?

So I told them, I don’t want anything….. and suddenly everything changed. I really meant it.

 It was peaceful. I just didn’t NEED anything from anyone and that felt good. 

Not shut off, but wide open in fact!

I suddenly went from the least powerful person in the room to the most powerful person in 30 seconds. Now everyone wanted to ‘offer’ me a deal, or find out why I would turn down these fantastic opportunities.

It was an eye opener and I realized all my life, I had pretty much sold out over and again, to lovers, friends, colleagues and family, because I was not in honest relationship with them. I NEEDED something from them.

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THE HIDDEN NEED UNDER TOXIC SITUATIONS

Back in the crisis hot-point over 2 ½ years back I was on the end of financial ruin due to a job that was pulled from under me after 9 months of work on a film project. I had bet all my personal income on the project and with no signed paper contracts, just the ‘good word' of the director I was dropped from the sky like a shot bird.

I went through so many emotions and I felt I would never be able to let go. But the worst one was knowing I had ‘wanted’ something from this person for myself. I had not followed the inside, I had waded through reptile infested swamps, selling bits of my soul and chasing carrots on the outside.

No one was looking after the temple. Too busy out there trying to get something you think WILL feed the temple.

So you do the fake niceties and handshakes. Like a circus contortionist, you bend this way and that and try not to 'rub' people the wrong way. You do whatever you can to get what you need. And you get scared deep down because something is not right.  The temple master is missing!

And in the end, there is no f***g carrot! – that’s God’s big joke!

NO F***ing CARROT!! ??

Yep, that’s pretty much it!

I forgave everything when I realized I was the worst culprit in the story. I wanted career advancement, opportunity, recognition, reward... it was all about me me me!

NOT NEEDING AS LOVE

True love doesn’t need anything other than to keep giving birth to itself and celebrate itself over and again. Whoever and whatever that is with, it just compels itself to do it.  

But we also have an inner prostitute who’s willing to sell something out to get what they want! Whether it’s honesty, integrity, feeling... the list goes on. But we never sell out without a huge price being paid in the temple!

When love awakens fully inside, you can’t ‘sell-out’ no matter what ‘carrot’ is dangled infront of you because the knowledge there is no carrot is living itself in you at every moment.

And this not needing in you doesn’t mean you get bulldozed off the planet by all those competitive needers either by the way.

I mean......they will still try! 

 But you have a new passion and zeal for living. You have a real independent strength that is self perpetuating. You don’t need anything so you can take every experience as part of the smorgasbord of existence and choose what you will hold onto as it passes through... just for a while.

The sweetness of being able to let go of life as it passes through surpasses anything else that could possibly be ‘gained’.

And you will follow your integrity no matter where it leads, for whatever you ‘lose’ on the outside will never be lost on the inside. The temple remains intact.

That is FREEDOM.

No matter how ‘crazy’ others may go when you don’t always give them what they need, you will know that this is also the most LOVING thing for the person you are dealing with too. (More on that another time!)

As Lao Tzu said

‘Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.'

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So if you are in a situation right now that is causing an attack of the rumple stiltskins...maybe just ask yourself one simple question first...

‘What do I need here?’

Is it love? money? affirmation? opportunity? approval? reputation?

Then decide, is it something you really NEED from another or something that can come from you? In the end the ONLY one you have any say over is the one from yourself.

I’d recommend giving yourself everything you need to operate in the world with love, gentleness and integrity and then just see how that pans out for a while.

And when you do ‘need’ something from someone, mull this little gem around your head for fun…

‘What if I didn’t need ANYTHING from this person... how would I act now?’

You’ll most likely find it will be with LOVE and great openness and honesty.

BE BRAVE and DO IT!

It’s a great feeling!

And you may find you get all you need regardless.

How can you not!

 You’re here now aren’t you?:)